Look, we’ve discussed face masks until we’re blue in the face…

(See what I did there? More often than not people are wearing those blue face masks. It is indeed a strong start.)

…the argument seems to sit pretty squarly on whether you believe:

A) They are used to prevent you firing globules of infected spittle at strangers.

B) They are part of a loony lefty conspiracy theory designed to hamper your dazzling individuality.

Whatever camp people are in on that, they have almost certainly blindly followed ‘rules’ about hand washing. If they’re not belting out ‘Happy Birthday’ and scrubbing their grubby mitts, they’re squirting hand sanitiser on and rubbing their palms together like flies coming up with a brilliant plan. Has no one stopped to question, “WHY?!” Well, I have.

During lockdown I drank alcohol, I’d have it delivered to my door (more often than not from independent retailers – it’s important to sneak this bit in as a reminder of what a saint I am). In four months I probably drank to excess once or maybe twice, I remember having one vague hangover. Since lockdown ended I’ve had at least four hangovers, three of which would have killed off lesser bloggers.

So, what changed? The excitement of being out of the house? The thrill of being back in pubs and restaurants? No, stop speculating. There is one clear difference.

HAND SANITISER

At home I wasn’t sanitising my hands when walking in and out of the garden, or after going to the toilet. Every pub I’ve been in since though, I’ve applied hand sanitiser at least a couple of times. Can you do the mathematics or do you need me to help? Let me whisper this in your ear, “alcohol.”

Most hand sanitisers have a decent whack of alcohol in them, so when using hand sanitiser in a pub you’re rubbing booze between your hands. This often sends a waft of grog up your nostrils and reminds you that you should drink more.

Is that a problem? Not necessarily. I’m just trying to make you aware.

Not convinced? Fine, it’d be a bit like going into a butchers and rubbing pig blood in between your fingers – you’d end up buying more sausages than you know what to do with wouldn’t you? It’s just a fact.

Be well.

Any romantic worth their weight in jizz knows that Birmingham is one of the most romantic cities in the world. Don’t believe me? Then read this: Birmingham Is The Most Romantic City In The World And People Are There For It.

Why is it so romantic? Well, not a lot of people know – but Birmingham actually has more canals than Venice. That’s right, and what’s more romantic than a canal? Nothing.

Once you’ve shown your loved ones the canal, pushed a shopping trolley in and shouted at some geese together you’ll be looking to cap the night off with some food, drink and great conversation.

Here, exclusively, is the best place to ensure you get pumped, do some pumping or a bit of both on 14 February 2019.

The Square Peg

If there’s another place in this fine city where you can point at almost all the other inhabitants and say, “bet you’re pleased you’re here with me instead of them,” then this is it. It’s the perfect place to cement the fact that you’ll probably not do any better – the most important thing to remember on Valentine’s Day.

Other than looking at the locals you can also treat yourselves to a debate about Brexit. Grab a copy of the Wetherspoon’s News magazine and discuss a few of the stupid fucking things in it.

Make things more exciting by perhaps asking the staff about their amazing worker’s rights.

For even more of a thrill, play Brexit Bingo and ask some of the locals you were staring at earlier for their thoughts – the first one of you to hear how brilliant World War II was gets a free drink.

Romance means Romance.

Pumping means Pumping.

Just get on with it.

“I received this mediocre food for free, but all views expressed are mine. 5 stars, visit at once!”

I know what you’re thinking, you’re thinking, “I want free mediocre food too!”

Well, follow these five simple tips to become a food blogger and this dream could become a reasonable tasting reality.

Decide on a name for your food blog

Here you want something that’s going to stand out from the crowd. We cleverly went for ‘FoodieBoys’ because we like food and we have penises.

Perhaps you like smoothies and you have a vagina? Not a problem, go for something like NutriVag, SlushFanny, ThickBeverageLass – you get the gist.

What’s your flava? Tell me what’s your flava?

Do you absolutely LOVE burgers? Well, why not start a blog about burgers? Mainly because so has every other man and his dog.

That’s an idea – dogs! Make your niche the fact that you really like hot dogs or dog meat depending on how controversial you’re feeling.

Network, network, network

Any blogger worth their Himalayan salt will tell you an important part of food blogging is to pretend to like as many other food bloggers as possible.

Instagram and Twitter are your tools here.

Instagram strategy for food bloggers: Log in to your DogMeatLova account, type #FoodBlogger in and start following everyone that has ever used it. Comment on their photos saying things like, “Great snap, friend!” and watch the followers flow in.

Twitter strategy for food bloggers: Log in to your DogMeatLova123 account, type #FoodBlogger in and start following everyone that has ever used it. Reply to their tweets saying things like, “Please follow me back!” and watch the followers flow in.

Remember to include #WillEatForFree in your bio so lazy PR people can find you easily.

Snap away!

You’ll need content to fill your social media platforms and to really make your food blogs POP!

Take photos of everything you eat, everything. If you find half a Hob Nob down the back of the sofa, don’t greedily stuff it down your throat until you’ve taken a picture, added a Mayfair filter and written a killer caption to post on Instagram.

That’s four points, I wrote there’d be five because four sounds better than five. Erm, let’s think.

Dedication

One of the reasons I’m one of the most successful food bloggers playing the circuit is my dedication to the trade.

I could have quite easily stopped writing this after the fourth heading, gone back to the top and changed five to four, but I didn’t.

Your fans need to know that you respect them and their time. These poor fuckers have clicked to read this shit, the least you can do is try.