Restaurants are dead – good

That’s right, restaurants have no place in a post COVID-19 world, and frankly, it’s a good thing.

Restaurants are bad. They’re bad for all sorts of reasons which I’ll explore later in this thought piece, but fortunately a global pandemic has hopefully put an end to them. As a result of Coronavirus the eating landscape has changed and it’s insane to think we let restaurants get away with it for so long.

Here, I’ll put forward just five of the thousands of reasons why restaurants are hopefully a thing of the past.

1. Do I have to book to sit in the living room and eat a delicious home cooked meal or take away? No. Well, unless there’s a Zoom quiz happening in there.

2. Do I have to get out of my dressing gown to eat a delicious home cooked meal or take away? No. Well, unless there’s a Zoom quiz happening.

3. “Can I take your coats?” “Can I get you a drink?” “Would you like to see the wine list? “What would you like to order?” “Do you want dessert?” “Would you like a tea or coffee?” “Can you leave now please?” Imagine the person you eat dinner at home with bombarding you with this many questions, you’d be like, “NO, I AM NOT DOING YOUR ZOOM QUIZ.”

4. Prices. At home if I want to cook a carrot in beef fat it’d probably cost me like 12p or something, it’d be shit, but still 12p.

5. “Order us an Uber.” “I ordered the last one.” “Did you?” “Yes.” “Pretty sure it was me.” “Can we just go home now, please?” “Fine.” None of that if you just need to go upstairs / fall asleep on the sofa with your Zoom still connected so your friends can watch you sleep.

There we are. Pretty damning.

Obviously I don’t actually think this. My god I absolutely can’t wait to be sat in a restaurant with an atmosphere, eating delicious food and drinking too much wine and NOT HAVING TO DO THE FUCKING WASHING UP.

I wrote this after scrolling through my phone and seeing (amidst the constant lockdown cats photos) photos from my birthday dinner at Carter’s, a last minute booking at Harborne Kitchen, a hungover trip to Meat Shack, a weekend in London where I ate at A Wong and Bao and it made me realise how bloody lucky we are to have these places. Then I remembered that article some lunatic wrote trying to say pubs being closed is a good thing.

I really bloody hope all my (and your) favourite ones survive this.

Where to spend Valentine’s Day in Birmingham

Any romantic worth their weight in jizz knows that Birmingham is one of the most romantic cities in the world. Don’t believe me? Then read this: Birmingham Is The Most Romantic City In The World And People Are There For It.

Why is it so romantic? Well, not a lot of people know – but Birmingham actually has more canals than Venice. That’s right, and what’s more romantic than a canal? Nothing.

Once you’ve shown your loved ones the canal, pushed a shopping trolley in and shouted at some geese together you’ll be looking to cap the night off with some food, drink and great conversation.

Here, exclusively, is the best place to ensure you get pumped, do some pumping or a bit of both on 14 February 2019.

The Square Peg

If there’s another place in this fine city where you can point at almost all the other inhabitants and say, “bet you’re pleased you’re here with me instead of them,” then this is it. It’s the perfect place to cement the fact that you’ll probably not do any better – the most important thing to remember on Valentine’s Day.

Other than looking at the locals you can also treat yourselves to a debate about Brexit. Grab a copy of the Wetherspoon’s News magazine and discuss a few of the stupid fucking things in it.

Make things more exciting by perhaps asking the staff about their amazing worker’s rights.

For even more of a thrill, play Brexit Bingo and ask some of the locals you were staring at earlier for their thoughts – the first one of you to hear how brilliant World War II was gets a free drink.

Romance means Romance.

Pumping means Pumping.

Just get on with it.

How to become a food blogger

“I received this mediocre food for free, but all views expressed are mine. 5 stars, visit at once!”

I know what you’re thinking, you’re thinking, “I want free mediocre food too!”

Well, follow these five simple tips to become a food blogger and this dream could become a reasonable tasting reality.

Decide on a name for your food blog

Here you want something that’s going to stand out from the crowd. We cleverly went for ‘FoodieBoys’ because we like food and we have penises.

Perhaps you like smoothies and you have a vagina? Not a problem, go for something like NutriVag, SlushFanny, ThickBeverageLass – you get the gist.

What’s your flava? Tell me what’s your flava?

Do you absolutely LOVE burgers? Well, why not start a blog about burgers? Mainly because so has every other man and his dog.

That’s an idea – dogs! Make your niche the fact that you really like hot dogs or dog meat depending on how controversial you’re feeling.

Network, network, network

Any blogger worth their Himalayan salt will tell you an important part of food blogging is to pretend to like as many other food bloggers as possible.

Instagram and Twitter are your tools here.

Instagram strategy for food bloggers: Log in to your DogMeatLova account, type #FoodBlogger in and start following everyone that has ever used it. Comment on their photos saying things like, “Great snap, friend!” and watch the followers flow in.

Twitter strategy for food bloggers: Log in to your DogMeatLova123 account, type #FoodBlogger in and start following everyone that has ever used it. Reply to their tweets saying things like, “Please follow me back!” and watch the followers flow in.

Remember to include #WillEatForFree in your bio so lazy PR people can find you easily.

Snap away!

You’ll need content to fill your social media platforms and to really make your food blogs POP!

Take photos of everything you eat, everything. If you find half a Hob Nob down the back of the sofa, don’t greedily stuff it down your throat until you’ve taken a picture, added a Mayfair filter and written a killer caption to post on Instagram.

That’s four points, I wrote there’d be five because four sounds better than five. Erm, let’s think.

Dedication

One of the reasons I’m one of the most successful food bloggers playing the circuit is my dedication to the trade.

I could have quite easily stopped writing this after the fourth heading, gone back to the top and changed five to four, but I didn’t.

Your fans need to know that you respect them and their time. These poor fuckers have clicked to read this shit, the least you can do is try.