With the commonwealth games on the horizon it’s only fair that I offer visitors to the city some insight into the best things to do in Birmingham.
No Peaky Blinders, no baltis, no getting on a barge – this is the real Birmingham experience.
After you get off the train at New Street, Moor Street or Snow Hill – those are your options, that’s just how it works. You will then have five incredible attractions at your immediate disposal.
TOP TIP: Remember to call everyone ‘bab’, say it every other word ideally, so you don’t get ripped off by unscrupulous locals.
The Square Peg
After travelling you’ll be wanting a refreshing drink. The Square Peg is Birmingham’s number one watering hole.
Head to the bar and ask for a taste of every beer they’ve got, eventually say, “nah, bab, I’ll bab just bab have bab a bab J20 bab.”
Pigeon park
Powered by sugary, fruity goop you’ll take a short stroll to Pigeon Park. This is a photo I took of it yesterday, which includes one of the famous birds that give it its name.
If you can catch a pigeon, Birmingham mayor Andy Street will give you a gold medal.
Good luck!
Tram to Broad Street
Talking of our glorious leader, well, little known fact, he invented trams.
He is such a stickler for a good tram that he is constantly improving them. If on the off chance he’s happy enough with them on the day of your visit you can take a thrilling ride from the city centre to the city’s party street. Here you’ll find…
Jasper Carrot’s gold star
GoldenBalls man, Carrot, has taken inspiration from international man of bullshit, Salt Bae, to become Birmingham’s very own ‘Salt Bab’.
He has gold leafed his anus and will be splaying it for visitors to throw pennies into for good luck.
There you have it, the perfect day in Birmingham. Hang on, that’s only four, I need one more. I said five and I’m sticking to it. Errrrrrm, go to the Sea Life centre and call a crab a twat or something.
Foodie Boys 