Masterchef the Professionals: Series 13 episode 5

Here we go again.

Jabari, Ash, Ross all get an intro bit tonight as they do their slow motion walk to the studio, wonder who the fourth is and how boring what they said must have been?

Monica wants them to trim some lamb, she is sick of Wareing White Walker (WWW) getting all the brutal, sexy Game of Thrones stuff, she chops up a bit of bone with a big knife. Phwoar.

I love how Monica says ‘botter’ instead of ‘butter’ it’s without doubt the best thing about the show.

WWW is off to the wanking cupboard to “watch them like a hawk,” GregG says. They edited out the last bit: “watch them like a hawk and wank like an angry, hairy chimp from beyond the wall.”

Ash cooks in the Royal Navy, she likes to do “modern twists, like gels,” she also says she puts ‘blood, sweat and tears’ into her cooking. Gruesome. She says she’s cooked for the Queen, is feeding the Queen a gel of your ‘blood, sweat and tears’ treasonous?

Ash absolutely fucks it, that poor lamb died in vain.

Jabari wants to open a restaurant serving ‘high class Jamaican fusion’, which sounds like UB40’s new favourite place. Then he did a little rap and it made me want to die. Someone saying they can rap is no better than that fucker who gets a guitar out at a party, in my book.

Marcus wants them to fillet a plaice, do a chicken sauce and pickle some radish.

“That’s luxurious,” GregG says looking at WWW’s chicken sauce, something he also says when he rubs KFC grease into his ballsack.

He also describes WWW’s final plate of food as “delicate and majestic,” which is how he describes his love making, when in fact, if anything, it’s “clumsy and pitiful.”

Santosh is up next, he was the one they didn’t acknowledge at the start of the show, and he did OK.

Finally, Ross from Edinburgh who works in a care home. He likes to bring nostalgia to his cooking and uses strong, bold flavours to camouflage the smell of piss. Fair play.

It’s time for their two courses.

Chocolate soil makes its first appearance of the series. Soil. Who was the first person to call it that and why did everyone let it carry on? Go all out and start calling it ‘dirt’ you cowards.

The trouble with this part of the show is frankly I’m starting to think about going to sleep, so writing becomes tricky, especially when the most interesting thing to happen was GregG asking Jabari what his aunt’s name is and getting ‘Yvonne’ as a response.

The results are in:

Santosh: Good main. They’re not into his greasy dessert though.

Ash: Main – meh. Dessert makes Monica say “yes ma’am,” a nod to her trying to poison the Queen. GregG says, “If you lined up eight of them I reckon I’d have a go at six and a half,” very similar to what he said when he first watched Snow White.

Jabari: Fucks it.

Ross: Very good. He has a little cry too which is adorable. GregG muttered, “what a pussyhole,” when he left the room to gather himself though which was unnecessary.

And going through we have, Ross and Santosh. Well done them.

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