Masterchef the Professionals: Series 13 episode 3

How is it possibly the quarter finals already? One of these people has made it this far having only proved he can make custard. I made strawberry Angel Delight tonight and you don’t see me being jerked off by William Sitwell as a result.

No GregG at this stage of the competition, not needed, his expertise all dribbled out of his gaping hole during the first two episodes.

Tonight starts with an invention test, Marcus wants them to go ‘to the next level’. The chosen ingredient to feature in this invention test is ‘spices’, how delightfully vague. They may as well have shrugged and gone, “do what you want, we’re not bothered, but do fucking elevate it, OK?” I think a real invention test would be if they had the ability to look in my fridge on the 27th of the month and knock something up.

What are the contestants up to? Well, mainly being bellowed at by Wareing White Walker (WWW), he just really wants to know more about their home lives, “Who is supporting you at home?” he asks over and over again.

Tonight, Dave has chosen to rub spices into his pork loin, the filthy git.

Victor’s talking about his mentor – Andrew Cole. This is a surprise to me as I never imagined he was much of a cook, maybe that’s why him and Teddy Sheringham didn’t get on? Perhaps Andy came in one day and asked Teddy if he wanted to try his Goulash and Teddy told him to, “get that foreign muck away from me.”

Tonight though, Victor is rubbing spices into his poussin, the filthy git.

Philli Cheese Steak has travelled to Asia and she isn’t scared of letting you know. She is doing a cinnamon pastry and chai ice cream. The only one to make a dessert, brave or foolish? Such peril.

Sammy Sous Chef is also playing with his poussin, because he is copying the bigger boys.

They all do some cooking, but what’s this? Philli Cheese Steak’s made fondants as well as tarts, fuck, I’ve never been so nervous.

“You’re going to have to choose one and make a decision,” WWW barks at her. “Who is supporting your tart at home? WHO?!”

Sammy Sous Chef upsets Monica with a lack of seasoning. Sammy says he should have ‘given it some’. The sordid kitchen atmosphere clearly poisoning his precious mind.

Philli Cheese Steak’s fondant is good, thank Ggod GregG wasn’t here to pull one of his faces during this segment.

!!! NEW BIT ALERT !!!! Monica Galletti gives them a little pep talk about how they need to sort their lives out before they present food to the critics.

In come the critics, they tell us they want to eat something they enjoy rather than something they don’t enjoy. They certainly know their beans these lads.

“MEDIOCRE!” they cry about Sammy’s tartare. I could have told them that before they tried it because, of course, 97% of tartare’s are mediocre.

Dave’s done some beef with a ‘snail sauce’. Snail sauce sounds like a very horrible euphemism, why is Dave such a mucky devil? His food looks good though, he manages to slip in that he’s been cooking for 24 years which he has told us 24,000 times so far.

Victor deep fried some anchovies which made me rub my thighs and dribble on the floor.

Philli Cheese Steak fried some chicken, Korean style. Did you know she’s actually been to Korea?

And what’s this?! They put three of them through to the next round!!! Fuck!!! Who saw this coming, not Sammy Sous Chef that’s for sure.

Then we got a little preview of next week’s contestants, one of them puts ants in his food so I’m looking forward to us pretending that’s new. Do they taste like lemon?! NOOOOOOOO WAAAAAY. Lemony ants?! Get the fuck out of here. I hope GregG’s back for that bit so I can get so irritated I punch myself in the poussin.

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