Masterchef the Professionals: Series 13 episode 4

Yes! GregGbot 2000 is back, he’s been plugged in to charge and he’s ready to pull his faces again, it’s also good for me as I now have something to write about.

No female contestants tonight, which I think sets the horrid tone for this episode.

First skills test, Marcus wants them to chop up a chicken and de-bone the thighs. Watching Wareing White Walker (WWW) take his sword to the bird was very exciting.

“FIRE,” shouts GregG as WWW burns off the brandy in the sauce. He also shouts this every time he pisses due to an aggressive urinary tract infection that he simply refuses to get seen to.

“I want to see how well they do on what I’d like to call a yummometer, how much yum can they manage,” GregG says just to irritate me.

First up is a lad called Alex. who started as a pot washer. My first job was pot washing, something you didn’t know about me isn’t it? Little bonus.

Asked what sort of food he likes cooking, Alex tells us he likes cooking “fresh produce,” as opposed to “horrible, rotten produce,” very interesting.

Next we have Hira who cooks at the cricket ground in Nottingham. He married an English woman and had a thousand people at his wedding. GregG gurns at him.

Monica‘s task involves berries again. She is clearly being paid by the Berry Council. This time she wants them to put the berries in a pre-made pastry case, with some chantilly and stuff. Boring. WWW heads off to the wanking cupboard to sharpen his axe.

Jono from Leeds comes out. Good job he wasn’t faced with WWW immediately as I worry they’d have fought to the death. You can tell these two will hate each other.

“Travelled much?” GregG asks, clearly knowing that he’s travelled, as it’d be awkward if he said, “no, I’ve never left Leeds.” He’s worked at Noma!!! He worked at Noma for six months. This lad is going to really know his way around moss and barnacles and stuff.

Jono doesn’t like that WWW wanted it to taste more of pistachio. Knew they’d hate each other, told you.

Richard loves comfort food and looks like Matt Damon’s slightly melted cousin.

“Do you do much pastry?” GregG asks.

“I’m married to a pastry chef, so yeah you could say I DO pastry quite a lot actually, mate!” He replied, then they high fived, horrible scenes.

Next up, signature two course menu.

Ants!!!!! Remember in 2010 when that happened for the first time? GregG’s astounded by it, Marcus pretends to be shocked too. I’ve eaten desserts with ants in three times I think. Calm down, you berks.

“HAY CUSTARD!!!!!” GregG screams, something he also shouts when his semen dribbles to the floor of his local petting zoo.

Then they review the food:

Alex, very good.

Hira, quite good.

Jono, quite good.

Rich, OK.

WWW is sadly ‘deflated’ by Rich’s rice pudding, meaning he is off to the cupboard to try and put air back into himself.

Hira and Richard go home, and we prepare to go again tomorrow night. Farewell.

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