Bad pints

With pubs flinging their doors open on whatever they can feasibly describe as a ‘garden’ we’re finally allowed to nail lovely pints like the absolute chug lords we are. Hooray!

I’ve seen lots of social media noise over the last few days of people competing to show whether they’re more excited about pubs or gyms being open. I mean, you do you and all, but if you laugh as much in the gym as I do in the pub then I suspect your personal trainer thinks you’re a lunatic.

Now, I’m somewhat of an expert on pubs, I know everyone thinks they are – but I actually am. I’ve drunk in loads of them. I’ve even worked in a couple. However, I’ve found I’m much more suited to drinking in them as pretending to like the general public isn’t my forte.

How the pub experience should go:

1. First sip of pint one: Ah, refreshing, delicious.

2. Second pint: Settling in. Very good.

3. Third pint: Now we’re really moving and the world seems a better place.

4. Continue until you’ve had enough without becoming a complete embarrassment (if you’re the sort of person who gets ‘fighty’ maybe just stop after step 1, go home and think about being less of a cock).

Stop. Is there anything worse than step one being ruined by that first sip of that first pint not being as you expected?

Sometimes you know it’s not going to be right by smell, you’re not sure though so you have a sip. Oh no, that’s definitely not right. You have another sip. Nope, that’s not how it’s supposed to taste. It doesn’t normally taste like this. Does it normally taste like this? Is there something wrong with my mouth? Have another sip. No, that’s definitely not right. I’ve had three sips now – can I take it back? Does it look like I’m trying to steal three sips of beer? Ask your mate to give it a sip, what do they think? They think it’s not right too, but they’re not as certain as you are. Oh maybe I’ll just get it down me and have something different for step 2. Another sip, no that’s really unpleasant.

Come on, you can do this. I know you’ll feel like an absolute wanker, but it’ll probably be worth it. Get up, and gingerly walk that bad pint back towards the bar. Maybe hold the pint in front of you a bit and look at it quizzically, just so the barman knows what’s about to happen.

Gracefully accept the new pint, have a sip and whether it still tastes horrible or not tell the barman, “that’s much better,” and push on so you can get to step 3 ASAP.

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