Masterchef the Professionals: Series 13 episode 8

There are four of them again! Hooray!

Here comes the slow motion walk to the studio, and these are the headlines:

• Jahdre got 3 hours sleep.

• Joe thinks he can go all the way.

• Luke is nervous.

Again, imagine not getting chosen to do that bit because what you said was duller than someone saying they’re nervous.

Wareing White Walker (WWW) wants them to make scallops with a romesco sauce and tomatoes. Not for me, but whatever, he isn’t making it for me is he? Or is he? If you are choosing these things for me WWW do get in touch and I’ll steer you in the direction of dishes I like the sound of. Cheers.

“The smell from the pan is saltiness from the sea,” GregG guffs out his first bit of wisdom.

Joe is first, I think he pronounces ‘scallops’ like the ones you get in a fish and chip shop rather than ‘scallops’ like the ones people constantly serve with black pudding and pea purée. It’s tricky to remember which is correct though, if in doubt just say ‘those round things in shells with the orange bit dangling off its arse’.

Luke next, he never thinks what he does is good enough, bless him. He also wisely tells WWW he is petrified to prevent him eating his face off.

“Why Masterchef?” WWW asks.

“Pointless was fully booked,” he doesn’t reply.

Galletti Biscuits wants them to cook lamb kidneys. GregG growls loudly about how he eats 20,000 kidneys fresh from beasts every morning because he is an absolute, working class, bloody bloke.

He then wafts a fart at WWW, weirdly WWW smiles and says he likes it, they’ve clearly been spending way too much time together.

Next up to answer why he’s here is Aaron.

“Why Masterchef?” Galletti biscuits asks.

“Because it’d be an achievement just to cook for you and Marcus,” he says.

“Erm hello,” GregG shouts flapping his arms in the air. “What about old GregGory with two Gs? You saying it’s not a fucking achievement to cook for me you fucking mug? I’ll eat your pissing kidneys you prick.”

Signature dishes

‘Lamb. Lamb. Duck. Halibut.’ Which weirdly are my safe words.

We discover Luke’s a professional wrestler in his spare time, “do you wear a leotard?” GregG pleads as little GregG begins to stir in his UKIP boxer shorts.

Jahdre needed shouting at to stop. Bloody exciting stuff.

Luke does well, which is nice as he is cute and I want to watch him put GregG in a chokehold at some point.

Joe, fucks his main, dessert’s OK.

Aaron, everyone other than GregG likes his main so he can be pleased that the two of them who know what they’re talking about like it. Dessert is OK.

Jahdre, didn’t manage to do his sauce on time and didn’t get his greens on the dish. Galletti biscuits says she feels “shortchanged,” which is strange, I had no idea they paid to appear on this show. GregG must pay a fucking fortune for his part.

I think we all know Aaron and Luke will be going through here. I’ve written this bit before the end. I won’t edit it if I’m wrong. Honest.

Aaaaand, I was right, well done Luke and Aaron.

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