That’s right, I’ve decided to start writing reviews of episodes of Masterchef. That’s also right, I’m starting at episode two as the idea only came to me during episode two and I’ll be damned if I’m watching episode one again.
Four contestants tonight, Victor, Michaela, Dave and Harrison.
First up the skills test. Wareing, who is increasingly looking like a Game of Thrones character, wants them to make sweetbreads and a ‘rustic red wine sauce’, just like they’d have on Game of Thrones.
“Are you passing this sauce?” GregG queries.
“This sauce is definitely not going to be passed. Everything that’s going in this pan is going to go on the plate.” Wareing replies.
“Wow,” GregG offers.
Wow. Wow indeed. Can you imagine the surprise GregG gets every time he farts? Must blow his fucking mind.
Monica heads off to the wanking cupboard and Victor comes out and nails it. This is good as Victor seems absolutely adorable. He compares getting the good feedback to feeling like winning the lottery. If I ever win the lottery I’m going to pay someone to have GregG edited out of every TV show I ever watch.
Michaela is next up and she fucks it right up, I knew she would, and I knew she’d be going home. She tried to poison the Wareing White Walker (WWW) with raw sweetbread, that’s not on.
Monica obviously forgot she had to come up with a skills test for this episode, so got them to make some custard and pour it on some berries then try to set fire to the custard a bit. We’re reminded in this part of the episode that GregG likes desserts, a vital part of Masterchef’s narrative.
First up to make some custard is Dave, Dave’s been making custard for 24 years. He has four kids who only eat custard, this is going to be a swim in the custard for Dave, surely?
It’s so easy for Dave that he in fact caramelises some nuts to go on top, and – you’ll love this bit, made TWO versions?! This blew their minds, WWW temporarily turned into a snake and GregG actually shit his Union Jack boxer shorts he was so overexcited. Cleverly, the two versions were one served in a glass and then the exact same thing on a plate!
Then there was a young man from Devon called Harrison who looked a bit like he should be in Fraggle Rock.
They showed the outside of his restaurant with the name obscured, but being a digital expert I found it on Google and it sounds quite nice, so I might go next time I’m down there. So, despite him being eliminated at the end of this episode it was totally worth it as he could have a FoodieBoy™️ dining there. Lucky lad.
The next bit where they all cooked two courses was interesting because they slaughtered 400 lambs for it. There was rack of lamb, rump of lamb, cannon of lamb, lamb panna cotta, lamb tiramisu – all of it was lamb.
GregG did his wandering around looking at his watch and gurning. He chatted to them all – he did his pally chat with Dave because Dave is a man called Dave and GregG is a man called GregG and bloody hell they’re just a pair of bloody men who could go for a quick pint after the show if you fancy it actually?
The reviews of the food weren’t particularly exciting. Monica said “buttery, biscuit base” which resulted in GregG making even more of a mess of his pants.
The two best ones went through, so well done on that, although I did think they were going to do that thing where they don’t get rid of as many people as expected and were going to keep Harrison too, but they didn’t.
WWW did offer Harrison a “you keep going young man,” as he left the room though, which was nice. I’m hoping for more of this and perhaps a “never cook again you piece of shit,” in a future episode.