Albert Schloss / Purecraft

Schloss – sounds like what I’d expect the mop bucket at a German brothel to be called. “Friedrich, fetch the Schloss, the bukkake party has ended,” that sort of thing. It’s not though, it’s German for castle.

Castles are big buildings designed to protect the people inside from attack. Which is interesting as Albert Schloss didn’t achieve this, they attacked me from within with some quite bad food.

Let’s give some context here, I was in Birmingham registering my child, this was occurring around lunchtime so we took a brave decision to try and eat lunch while she was sleeping.

We were walking towards the city centre with Purecraft as my intended destination. As we got to the library (and I’d finished my ‘I should probably go in there one day’ thought) I said, “how about we try Schloss?”

“We’re not taking our child to a German brothel,” my wife replied.

“Nooooo, Albert Schloss.”

“Is it any good?”

“Well, the influencers of Birmingham have all loved their free food so it must be good.”

It is a beautiful space, and it has lots of nice booze. The food was fairly terrible. My wife’s schnitzel was paler than a albino’s ballsack.

My baron burger was over cooked, hardly had any of the truffled cheese it promised and frankly didn’t taste very nice. The chips were over cooked too. Congratulations all.

I’m going to stop talking about that place now as what’s the point, go there to get pissed and enjoy the entertainment – just have dinner somewhere else.

What I do want to go on to, as I’ve never actually written a review of it despite having been about 4,000,000 times in the last five years is Purecraft.

Purecraft is one of my favourite places in the city, the beers are great, the staff are great and I’ve had some banging food there over the years.

The other week I went and had this pie and it was beautiful.

I’m not telling anyone how to run their business here, as who the fuck am I to do so, but I think the decor of Purecraft doesn’t do it any favours.

The industrial vibe would match more with a place knocking out bang average stuff with the word ‘dirty’ preceding the word ‘fries’ as opposed to somewhere with crispy Jerusalem artichokes & truffle mayo on the small plates menu. This ever changing small plates menu will never let you down – there’s always some sort of crispy potato on that I’d happily eat a vat of.

I’ve always thought the food prices at Purecraft were a little punchy, but the £64 I spent at Schloss taught me two things: one, I was wrong about that and two, sometimes it’s best to stick to what you know and love. Sorry Purecraft, I’ll be back soon.

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