Restaurants are dead – good

That’s right, restaurants have no place in a post COVID-19 world, and frankly, it’s a good thing.

Restaurants are bad. They’re bad for all sorts of reasons which I’ll explore later in this thought piece, but fortunately a global pandemic has hopefully put an end to them. As a result of Coronavirus the eating landscape has changed and it’s insane to think we let restaurants get away with it for so long.

Here, I’ll put forward just five of the thousands of reasons why restaurants are hopefully a thing of the past.

1. Do I have to book to sit in the living room and eat a delicious home cooked meal or take away? No. Well, unless there’s a Zoom quiz happening in there.

2. Do I have to get out of my dressing gown to eat a delicious home cooked meal or take away? No. Well, unless there’s a Zoom quiz happening.

3. “Can I take your coats?” “Can I get you a drink?” “Would you like to see the wine list? “What would you like to order?” “Do you want dessert?” “Would you like a tea or coffee?” “Can you leave now please?” Imagine the person you eat dinner at home with bombarding you with this many questions, you’d be like, “NO, I AM NOT DOING YOUR ZOOM QUIZ.”

4. Prices. At home if I want to cook a carrot in beef fat it’d probably cost me like 12p or something, it’d be shit, but still 12p.

5. “Order us an Uber.” “I ordered the last one.” “Did you?” “Yes.” “Pretty sure it was me.” “Can we just go home now, please?” “Fine.” None of that if you just need to go upstairs / fall asleep on the sofa with your Zoom still connected so your friends can watch you sleep.

There we are. Pretty damning.

Obviously I don’t actually think this. My god I absolutely can’t wait to be sat in a restaurant with an atmosphere, eating delicious food and drinking too much wine and NOT HAVING TO DO THE FUCKING WASHING UP.

I wrote this after scrolling through my phone and seeing (amidst the constant lockdown cats photos) photos from my birthday dinner at Carter’s, a last minute booking at Harborne Kitchen, a hungover trip to Meat Shack, a weekend in London where I ate at A Wong and Bao and it made me realise how bloody lucky we are to have these places. Then I remembered that article some lunatic wrote trying to say pubs being closed is a good thing.

I really bloody hope all my (and your) favourite ones survive this.

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