To celebrate the day of birth of my lady friend, I decided to take her to a castle. I chose Hever Castle – the childhood home of Anne Boleyn. If the childhood home of a woman executed by her husband doesn’t scream: “ROMANCE!” I don’t know what does.
We enjoyed a picnic in the grounds during the day, this included: bread, pâté and of course, Quavers – Quavers being Thomas Cromwell’s favourite snack.
We ordered a bottle of wine and of course a pint of Oranjeboom – Oranjeboom being Thomas Wolsey’s favourite lager.
We perused the menu for a short while before I had a brainwave.
What struck me was a missed opportunity to use the name’s of Henry’s wives to create dishes.
I came up with one immediately and called for the waitress to come quickly.
“Is there anything I can help you with, sir?” She enquired.
“Catherine of Tarragon!” I shouted at her.
“Catherine of Tarragon! You should have a chicken and tarragon pie on the menu called ‘the Catherine of Tarragon pie’.”
“Oh, I see. I’ll pass that on to the manager.”
“No! Wait, there are five more! Fetch a pen and paper or something.”
Now, in my haste I hadn’t thought about the others. When she returned I rather meekly muttered, “Anne of…Cloves – perhaps a pork dish with cloves.”
As not to hurt my feelings she wrote this down and asked if we were ready to order. I went for the garlic king prawns and the lamb’s liver from the specials board.
I very deliberately ordered the king prawns as I had a plan to humour my wench.
I held the first prawn aloft and bellowed: “YOU HAVE FAILED TO GIVE ME A SON! OFF WITH YOUR HEAD!” as I pulled its head off.
The next prawn: “MY PRIVY CHAMBER RECKON YOU’VE BEEN SHAGGING ABOUT! DIE!”
I enjoyed this all so much that I actually can hardly remember eating the lamb’s liver. Although I’m sure it was excellent.
As I paid the bill I found myself struck once again by inspiration: “Katherine Parr-ma ham!”
I look forward to returning and seeing the new menu in all its glory.
Four boys out of five.