Review: Henry VIII (Hever)

To celebrate the day of birth of my lady friend, I decided to take her to a castle. I chose Hever Castle – the childhood home of Anne Boleyn. If the childhood home of a woman executed by her husband doesn’t scream: “ROMANCE!” I don’t know what does.

We enjoyed a picnic in the grounds during the day, this included: bread, pâté and of course, Quavers – Quavers being Thomas Cromwell’s favourite snack.

Thomas Cromwell enjoying some Quavers

Thomas Cromwell enjoying some Quavers

After enjoying the grounds and the spacious room we had acquired for the evening we headed off for dinner at the Henry VIII pub a short walk down the road.

Thomas Wolsey enjoying a cold can of Oranjeboom.

Thomas Wolsey enjoying a cold can of Oranjeboom.

We ordered a bottle of wine and of course a pint of Oranjeboom – Oranjeboom being Thomas Wolsey’s favourite lager.

We perused the menu for a short while before I had a brainwave.

What struck me was a missed opportunity to use the name’s of Henry’s wives to create dishes.

I came up with one immediately and called for the waitress to come quickly.

“Is there anything I can help you with, sir?” She enquired.

“Catherine of Tarragon!” I shouted at her.

“Sorry?”

“Catherine of Tarragon! You should have a chicken and tarragon pie on the menu called ‘the Catherine of Tarragon pie’.”

“Oh, I see. I’ll pass that on to the manager.”

“No! Wait, there are five more! Fetch a pen and paper or something.”

Now, in my haste I hadn’t thought about the others. When she returned I rather meekly muttered, “Anne of…Cloves – perhaps a pork dish with cloves.”

As not to hurt my feelings she wrote this down and asked if we were ready to order. I went for the garlic king prawns and the lamb’s liver from the specials board.

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I very deliberately ordered the king prawns as I had a plan to humour my wench.

I held the first prawn aloft and bellowed: “YOU HAVE FAILED TO GIVE ME A SON! OFF WITH YOUR HEAD!” as I pulled its head off.

The next prawn: “MY PRIVY CHAMBER RECKON YOU’VE BEEN SHAGGING ABOUT! DIE!”

I enjoyed this all so much that I actually can hardly remember eating the lamb’s liver. Although I’m sure it was excellent.

As I paid the bill I found myself struck once again by inspiration: “Katherine Parr-ma ham!”

I look forward to returning and seeing the new menu in all its glory.

FoodieBoys_review_fullFoodieBoys_review_fullFoodieBoys_review_fullFoodieBoys_review_full Four boys out of five.

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