After our incredibly successful review of We Serve Humans at the Jackdaw and Star (over ****** potential impressions on Twitter achieved and a healthy ****** blog views reached – get in touch to find out the numbers behind the stars) it wasn’t a big surprise to hear from the marketing guys at the Star pubs again.
“Please,” they begged “will you come and review ‘Yeah Burger’ at the Star by Hackney Downs?”
“Hang on, let me get this straight – East London and burgers, right?”
“We were hoping you’d say: ‘Yeah’.”
“Oh, yeah. So, are you up for it?”
There was only one answer to that: “Absolutely.”
I arrived twenty minutes before Tony, due to typically poor transport planning on his part.
“What shall I do?” I asked him.
“Go incognito,” urged Tony “pretend you’re just an ordinary schmuck from the street and see how they treat you.”
I ordered a pint and tried not to betray my celebrity status, but I fear the bar staff were all too aware that I had something special about me.
TFL fucked me, yet again, leaving Toby to try and initiate the blogger / vendor process.
Worried, I told him to get himself a pint, keep his mouth shut and not to do anything that could jeopardise us getting burgers.
I arrived to see Toby propping up the bar shouting about geese to a poor bartender.
“Fire me over a couple of GEESE please, barkeep!” I said to the bartender, wooing her with my wordplay.
There was a beer called ‘Goose IPA’ you see.
I had already bought a Camden Hells that I hadn’t finished, but I couldn’t turn down this opportunity to impress the young, possibly Australian woman behind the bar.
“GEESE, you see, is the plural of GOOSE!”
“TOBY! Leave that woman alone,” Tony shrieked as he ran towards the bar on entering the pub.
“What can I get you?” she calmly asked.
“Two goose, please.”
“GEESE!” Toby yelled again.
“Go and get us a table, Toby.”
As a pair of deeply political kinda guys we were pleased to see ‘Yeah Burgers’ getting on board with the General Election.
“Where the fuck is Sir Timothy Farron in all this?” Tony demanded to know.
“He thinks burgering is a sin.” Toby laughed to himself, “burgering – like buggering, like what gays do.”
“Yes, I got it.”
We didn’t try those political items as we thought we may be swayed from a truly impartial review.
So, we settled for a Gladiator burger, and a beef Coney Island hot dog.
The Gladiator burger was very much a burger, but with confit garlic mayo, avocado and most importantly chicken skin. The chicken skin was a delicious addition and the salty hit instantly cured Tony’s hangover.
“Surprised it’s not GOOSE SKIN,” shouted Toby, looking around the pub, desperate for a reaction.
The Coney Island hot dog was a beef frank with ketchup, mustard and crispy onions.
Toby scraped away some of the tasty onions as they do his IBS riddled stomach a right mischief – life can be so cruel.
“The bread should be OK seeing as it’s sourdough,” he assured the barman, who had a Jeremy Corbyn T-Shirt on, “the onions perhaps not! Onions for the many! Not for the poo!”
“Shut up, Toby.”
The burger and hot dog were excellent, as were the fries and sweet potato fries.
The side order of pickles was a bit sad, and not very pickly.
“Is everything OK with your food?” asked the bartender as she cleared our empty glasses.
“It is, very good indeed. But could you help us with something, what genre is the music that’s playing in here currently?”
“Um, I’m not sure who it is.”
“Ah yes, but is it… Grime?”
“It could be Grime. Yes. I think it’s Grime.”
“YES!” We had never heard this music before and were thrilled to be part of Corbyn’s grime scene.
You do not have to say anything…
Before we left, Toby wanted to get to the bottom of the barkeep’s mysterious accent.
“Hello, I’m Detective Inspector Twang, and I’m making routine inquiries today.”
“I’m sorry?” she had now become wary of our conversations.
“I’m from the Dialect Squad. Anything you say will be taken as evidence.” He winked slowly.
“I really don’t understand what you’re on about.”
“Sorry about him,” apologised Tony.
“999, ACCENT EMERGENCY” shouted Toby as Tony dragged him away and with him, his last chance to woo this enigma of a lady.
YEAH OR NAH?
YES YEAH from us for Yeah Burger at The Star by Hackney Downs. It’s a fine way to spend your summer afternoon; go for the burgers, stay for the grime and leave before you meet Toby.
4 Boys out of five