Having moved away from London’s trendy East I think it’s important to go back every now and then to keep up with the latest on-point, peng (reminder: Google some Vice articles for some more trendy phrases to add here) food happenings.
So, last Saturday I gave Toby a ring:
“Is this like those weird German couples who eat each other’s penises that you’re always going on about.”
“I’ve mentioned it like three or four times.”
“I’m not letting you eat my penis.”
“How many times! I don’t want to eat YOUR penis, I just wonder what they’d taste like and what garnishes would go with them. Anyway, I’ll meet you at the Jackdaw and Star in Homerton at 12:30.”
“Bring your penis.”
As we approached, we began to debate how we introduce ourselves.
“We can’t just march in there and say we want to gorge on the meat of the slain.” Toby worried.
“Don’t worry, we’ll say: ‘I believe the kitchen is expecting us’.” said Tony.
We walked into the bar:
“We’re here for the humans!” Toby barked in a mad panic.
“Oh, of course. You must be the bloggers,” the barman said calmly.
“Shhhh, don’t call us that in public, we’re not monsters.” We responded in unison.
“OK, just a minute. Take a seat.”
We sat ourselves down and nervously waited, the tension was palpable.
“I don’t want to be a party pooper, but I just couldn’t wait…” Toby said as he stared, ashamed, at his shoes.
“You couldn’t wait for what?”
“To try…human flesh.”
“Oh fuck, what did you do?”
With this Toby flung off his left shoe, his left sock, and put a bloodied foot on the table.
“You tried to gnaw your little toe off didn’t you?”
“How was it?”
“I could only taste blood and tears really.”
“Shut up! They’re coming!”
A man emerged from the kitchen and walked towards our table. Tony grabbed the ketchup and placed a napkin in his lap.
“Hi,” the human said offering us his hand.
Unsure whether to bite it or shake it, we ignored it totally.
“OK, what can I get you?” The human offered.
“Yes, that’s me.”
ANYWAY, long story short, this chap was Paul Human the founder of We Serve Humans.
We then proceeded to feast on NOT the flesh of humans but the flesh of cows, chickens and pigs. Lovely.
Let us begin with the chips (chips are made with the flesh of the potato). These were covered in beer cheese sauce and we stuffed them in our faces at quite a rapid rate.
We then had some of the fried chicken wings (chicken flesh) with whisky and ginger sauce. These chicken wings are reason enough why we are better off continuing to eat chicken rather than human. They were delicious. If human arms were this tasty chickens would be eating them greedily.
Burgers. This is what We Are Humans are all about. Proper beef, served medium rare covered in some seriously good toppings.
‘The chairman’ was great, but even better was the ‘End of democracy’ which is ‘the chairman’ covered in chilli and jalapenos. NICE.
A shout out to the buffalo chicken burger too.
“This is good, it tastes like buffalo sauce.”
“It is buffalo sauce.” Paul Human told Toby.
“But it’s not bright orange like Donald Trump’s penis?”
It turns out they make their own buffalo sauce, rather than use Frank’s like everyone else does.
We then discussed what Donald Trump would taste like until the early hours.
The best burgers and wings we’ve had in Hackney.
Five boys out of five