I read the other day that the Stoke Newington branch of Foxlow was closing down after receiving a food hygiene rating of zero.
Eager to find out what all the fuss was about I made my way to their Chiswick branch to see if I could contract something that would give me a few days off work.
Sadly, the Chiswick branch has a an absolutely massive 5/5 on the hygiene scale.
Foxlow is the sister restaurant to the renowned Badgerhigh, Soho.
We decided to sit in the bar area and ordered cocktails and anchovy crisps to start us off.
“I bet your anchovies are pretty hygienic!” I suggested.
“What?” Replied the waitress.
“I imagine the anchovies have washed their hands!”
“I don’t think they have hands.”
“A good point well made, well, they’ve probably disinfected their shoes!” I laughed.
“I don’t think they have shoes.”
Anyway, let me tell you about the anchovy crisps. They’re on a little crisp bread/cracker type thing, with some goats cheese butter/mousse, an anchovy fillet and a couple of shallot rings.
Now, I bloody love anchovies. I put them on everything: pizzas, Coco Pops, satsumas. These anchovy crisps are exceptional – I’d happily eat 4,000 of them in a sitting.
My main consisted of jerked pork – a pig that has been wanked to death and covered in spices.
As a manly man who has lived in India (have I ever mentioned that before? I should probably mention it more often) I like a bit of spice, but I was disappointed as the pork didn’t even come close to making me cry.
It came with an apple and fennel slaw which was nice and allowed me to go into a rant about how there’s fucking fennel on everything.
We had a side of broccoli which was covered in garlic and lemon juice – this was good – all vegetables are better when they’re covered in garlic.
Dessert – a malt chocolate pannacotta.
“That looks like a mess,” my dining partner mentioned.
“It does, it has an air of a dubious bowel movement that’s been covered in Oreos and Ovaltine.”
Fortunately, it tasted good.
Decent food, decent drinks, and no sign of food poisoning.
We did wait about 15 minutes to pay the bill as everyone disappeared, which was annoying.
“We could just leave,” my lady friend said.
“We could…” I pondered this for a while and came up with all the pros and cons:
Pro: Free dinner
Con: Dying in jail.
In the end I decided to pay.
3.75 boys out of 5