“When a man is tired of London’s shit, he moves to Birmingham.” Jamelia.

I’m not going to start telling you the pros and cons of London and Birmingham, what would be the point in that? You’ve already decided exactly what you think of them and your mind will never sway, and fair play to you, stick to your guns, or knives, or acid – whatever floats your boat.

Long and short of it is I’ve moved from London to Birmingham, “but why would you do that? There are loads of restaurants in London, and in Birmingham there’s nothing but Big John’s and 45 Harry Ramsden’s,” (autocorrect really wanted to change ‘Ramsden’ to ‘Ramadan’ which has given me an idea for a pop-up, get in touch for investment opportunities or if you’re a chef called Harry who can work nights).

Well, it turns out there are loads of great places to eat in Birmingham, and it only seems to be getting better. When I last lived in the Midlands in 2007 you could probably count on one hand the number of decent places to dine (that might be a lie but I can’t be bothered to research), but here we are August 2017 and I’m back, and what you really want to hear about is where I’ve been eating this week. WELL, hang on a fucking second and I’ll get to it. Jesus.

Harborne Kitchen

“Oooh, would you look at that. I bet they do lunch.” I said to the woman who has moved here with me as we walked down Harborne High Street looking for somewhere to go for lunch.

And bugger me senseless, they did do lunch, two courses for £18! Imagine! In London that would have cost me £4,500.

To begin we had some Sourdough and some churned, whipped buttery goodness. The best bit about this was that I got to indulge in one of my favourite past times – licking stones (which is one of the reasons I’m not allowed round Ronnie Wood’s house).

Salmon, I never usually order salmon because it’s BORING but I didn’t fancy the veloute or the parfait. Good news, it was nice, with a lovely pickley-ness knocking about to maintain my interest.

The beef was goooood, and with the smoked mash, peas and crispy onions on top you’ve pretty much stuck all my favourite food items on one plate you bloody genius.

I had a lovely glass of Fleurie with my beef, the woman accepted the waiter’s recommendation for her two glasses of white wine, they cost £13 a glass so I’m not talking to her anymore.

Four boys out of five

 X 4

The Indian Brewery

On my first Friday night in Birmingham I met an old friend and decided to show off how ‘bang on trend with all the top cool shit going down’ I am these days by taking him to The Indian Brewery near Snow Hill.

This small venue does craft beer and Indian street food snacks, this gave me an excellent opportunity to pretend to know about beer and also talk about the time I lived in India.

We ordered a couple of pints or Birmingham Lager and a selection of food.

The stand outs were the fat naan with chicken tikka and red onions, and the Bombay Wings which had a batter round them that sort of tasted like onion bhaji. The masala fries were a bit of a non-event and could do with some more spice to them.

Four boys out of five

The Plough

I went here after work on Wednesday, and seeing as it’s at the end of the road and I imagine I’ll be going there all the time I’m almost certainly going to give them 4/5.

It was taco night on Wednesday, you get four for £12.50, so I ordered the slow cooked chorizo and chilli,  spiced pork belly with slow-cooked apple, chilli battered cod and buffalo chicken tacos. The other on offer was a veggie one which obviously I didn’t choose as I’m a man.

These were all pretty good, the cod was the best, followed by the chorizo. I always feel a bit disappointed with tacos, as I’m usually not entirely satisfied and I’ve got juices all over my hands – a bit like your dad in his shed.

Four boys out of five (told you)

I’ve booked to go to Adam’s next month which will hopefully bring about the first 5 boy review of this new and exciting era. My favourite review I’ve seen of it so far is by this guy who was clearly pissed off that a taller, better looking man was talking to some women.