Review: Yeah! Burger

After our incredibly successful review of We Serve Humans at the Jackdaw and Star (over  ****** potential impressions on Twitter achieved and a healthy ****** blog views reached – get in touch to find out the numbers behind the stars) it wasn’t a big surprise to hear from the marketing guys at the Star pubs again.

“Please,” they begged “will you come and review ‘Yeah Burger’ at the Star by Hackney Downs?”

“Hang on, let me get this straight – East London and burgers, right?”

“Correct.”

“We were hoping you’d say: ‘Yeah’.”

“Oh, yeah. So, are you up for it?”

There was only one answer to that: “Absolutely.”

Toby

I arrived twenty minutes before Tony, due to typically poor transport planning on his part.

“What shall I do?” I asked him.

“Go incognito,” urged Tony “pretend you’re just an ordinary schmuck from the street and see how they treat you.”

I ordered a pint and tried not to betray my celebrity status, but I fear the bar staff were all too aware that I had something special about me.

Tony

TFL fucked me, yet again, leaving Toby to try and initiate the blogger / vendor process.

Worried, I told him to get himself a pint, keep his mouth shut and not to do anything that could jeopardise us getting burgers.

I arrived to see Toby propping up the bar shouting about geese to a poor bartender.

Toby

“Fire me over a couple of GEESE please, barkeep!” I said to the bartender, wooing her with my wordplay.

There was a beer called ‘Goose IPA’ you see.

I had already bought a Camden Hells that I hadn’t finished, but I couldn’t turn down this opportunity to impress the young, possibly Australian woman behind the bar.

“GEESE, you see, is the plural of GOOSE!”

“TOBY! Leave that woman alone,” Tony shrieked as he ran towards the bar on entering the pub.

“What can I get you?” she calmly asked.

“Two goose, please.”

“GEESE!” Toby yelled again.

“Go and get us a table, Toby.”

Oooh political

As a pair of deeply political kinda guys we were pleased to see ‘Yeah Burgers’ getting on board with the General Election. 

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“Where the fuck is Sir Timothy Farron in all this?” Tony demanded to know.

“He thinks burgering is a sin.” Toby laughed to himself, “burgering – like buggering, like what gays do.”

“Yes, I got it.”

The food

We didn’t try those political items as we thought we may be swayed from a truly impartial review.

So, we settled for a Gladiator burger, and a beef Coney Island hot dog.

The Gladiator burger was very much a burger, but with confit garlic mayo, avocado and most importantly chicken skin. The chicken skin was a delicious addition and the salty hit instantly cured Tony’s hangover.

Yeah Burger Gladiator burger

Gladiator burger


“Surprised it’s not GOOSE SKIN,” shouted Toby, looking around the pub, desperate for a reaction.

The Coney Island hot dog was a beef frank with ketchup, mustard and crispy onions.

Toby scraped away some of the tasty onions as they do his IBS riddled stomach a right mischief – life can be so cruel.

Coney Island hot dog

Coney Island hot dog

“The bread should be OK seeing as it’s sourdough,” he assured the barman, who had a Jeremy Corbyn T-Shirt on, “the onions perhaps not! Onions for the many! Not for the poo!”

“Shut up, Toby.”

The burger and hot dog were excellent, as were the fries and sweet potato fries.

The side order of pickles was a bit sad, and not very pickly.

“Is everything OK with your food?” asked the bartender as she cleared our empty glasses.

“It is, very good indeed. But could you help us with something, what genre is the music that’s playing in here currently?”

“Um, I’m not sure who it is.”

“Ah yes, but is it… Grime?”

“It could be Grime. Yes. I think it’s Grime.”

“YES!” We had never heard this music before and were thrilled to be part of Corbyn’s grime scene.

You do not have to say anything…

Before we left, Toby wanted to get to the bottom of the barkeep’s mysterious accent.

“Hello, I’m Detective Inspector Twang, and I’m making routine inquiries today.”

“I’m sorry?” she had now become wary of our conversations.

“I’m from the Dialect Squad. Anything you say will be taken as evidence.” He winked slowly.

“I really don’t understand what you’re on about.”

“Sorry about him,” apologised Tony.

“999, ACCENT EMERGENCY” shouted Toby as Tony dragged him away and with him, his last chance to woo this enigma of a lady.

YEAH OR NAH?

It’s a YES YEAH from us for Yeah Burger at The Star by Hackney Downs. It’s a fine way to spend your summer afternoon; go for the burgers, stay for the grime and leave before you meet Toby.

4 Boys out of five

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Review: We Serve Humans

Having moved away from London’s trendy East I think it’s important to go back every now and then to keep up with the latest on-point, peng (reminder: Google some Vice articles for some more trendy phrases to add here) food happenings.

So, last Saturday I gave Toby a ring:

We Serve Humans?”

“Yep.”

“Is this like those weird German couples who eat each other’s penises that you’re always going on about.”

“I’ve mentioned it like three or four times.”

“I’m not letting you eat my penis.”

“How many times! I don’t want to eat YOUR penis, I just wonder what they’d taste like and what garnishes would go with them. Anyway, I’ll meet you at the Jackdaw and Star in Homerton at 12:30.”

“Fine.”

“Bring your penis.”

As we approached, we began to debate how we introduce ourselves.

“We can’t just march in there and say we want to gorge on the meat of the slain.” Toby worried.

“Don’t worry, we’ll say: ‘I believe the kitchen is expecting us’.” said Tony.

“Perfect.”

We walked into the bar:

“We’re here for the humans!” Toby barked in a mad panic.

“Oh, of course. You must be the bloggers,” the barman said calmly.

“Shhhh, don’t call us that in public, we’re not monsters.” We responded in unison.

“OK, just a minute. Take a seat.”

We sat ourselves down and nervously waited, the tension was palpable.

“I don’t want to be a party pooper, but I just couldn’t wait…” Toby said as he stared, ashamed, at his shoes.

“You couldn’t wait for what?”

“To try…human flesh.”

“Oh fuck, what did you do?”

With this Toby flung off his left shoe, his left sock, and put a bloodied foot on the table.

“You tried to gnaw your little toe off didn’t you?”

“Yeah.”

“How was it?”

“I could only taste blood and tears really.”

“Shut up! They’re coming!”

A man emerged from the kitchen and walked towards our table. Tony grabbed the ketchup and placed a napkin in his lap.

“Hi,” the human said offering us his hand.

Unsure whether to bite it or shake it, we ignored it totally.

“OK, what can I get you?” The human offered.

“Human, please.”

“Yes, that’s me.”

ANYWAY, long story short, this chap was Paul Human the founder of We Serve Humans.

We then proceeded to feast on NOT the flesh of humans but the flesh of cows, chickens and pigs. Lovely.

Potato

Let us begin with the chips (chips are made with the flesh of the potato). These were covered in beer cheese sauce and we stuffed them in our faces at quite a rapid rate.

Fries with beer cheese sauce

Fries with beer cheese sauce

Chicken

We then had some of the fried chicken wings (chicken flesh) with whisky and ginger sauce. These chicken wings are reason enough why we are better off continuing to eat chicken rather than human. They were delicious. If human arms were this tasty chickens would be eating them greedily.

Buttermilk chicken wings with whisky and ginger sauce

Buttermilk chicken wings with whisky and ginger sauce

Beef

Burgers. This is what We Are Humans are all about. Proper beef, served medium rare covered in some seriously good toppings.

‘The chairman’ was great, but even better was the ‘End of democracy’ which is ‘the chairman’ covered in chilli and jalapenos. NICE.

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The End of Democracy burger

A shout out to the buffalo chicken burger too.

“This is good, it tastes like buffalo sauce.”

“It is buffalo sauce.” Paul Human told Toby.

“But it’s not bright orange like Donald Trump’s penis?”

It turns out they make their own buffalo sauce, rather than use Frank’s like everyone else does.

We then discussed what Donald Trump would taste like until the early hours.

The best burgers and wings we’ve had in Hackney.

Five boys out of five

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Tre Viet

Beer and prawn crackers

Beer and prawn crackers

Nay(face)palm here! I adore the work of the Vietnamese, having spent my gap year there I know the cuisine and the culture like the back of my Han(d)oi.

There are a number of Vietnamese restaurants in East London. I’ve been to many of them, predominantly the ones with a hygiene rating of over 0. I’m never sure how you’d actually achieve a 0, apart from by flinging your own faeces about the kitchen willy-nilly. Boasting a hygiene rating of 3 (or ba in Vietnamese) it’s safe to assume most of the toilet matter stays in the WC at Tre Viet.

We kicked off with a couple of Saigon (Ho Chi Minh City) beers and some prawn crackers. The waiter seemed to agree with my point that prawn crackers are more of a Chinese snack.

Some delicious spring rolls (nem) went down a treat. Especially when I

Sriracha and soy sauce.

Sriracha and soy sauce.

coated one in spicy Sriracha sauce. The waiter seemed suitably impressed. A main course of Bun Cha – grilled pork & noodles with herbs was really lovely. I sang the popular PussyCat Dolls song ‘Don’t cha’ to the waiter but replaced ‘Don’t cha’ with ‘Bun Cha’.

He loved it, but unfortunately not enough to take anything off the bill. This place is absolutely top-notch. If you happen to be around that HUE I’d really recommend it.

Nem - Spring rolls

Nem – Spring rolls

Bun cha

Bun cha